James Madison Carpenter and the Mummers' Play
[From: James Madison Carpenter and the Mummers' Play by Steve Roud and Paul Smith
Folk Music Journal, Vol. 7, No. 4, Special Issue on the James Madison Carpenter Collection (1998), pp. 496-513]
In the years between 1933 and 1935, James Madison Carpenter amassed the biggest collection
of mummers' play texts ever made from ex-performers in England and Scotland. 1880
Elsham (Lincolnshire) The Plough Jags [42]
AFC 1972/001, Folder 29 (Box 1, Packet 3A); on Microfilm Reel 2.
The third type of play identified by Cawte, Helm and Peacock is the wooing or bridal play, while others call them plough plays. Peter Millington has argued that these names disguise two distinct types which he calls the recruiting sergeant play and
the multiple wooing play.[43] This type of play is found only in the east midland counties of Lincolnshire, Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire and Rutland. Carpenter collected a number of plays in this area, including a number from places otherwise
unrepresented in known collections.
The following text is typed, but with handwritten additions and corrections:
E. Andrew-Elsham-Brigg-71 years old. Learned fifty-five years ago, learned from older hands, in old shed. Went bit before Christmas time. Fool had long hat, two feet long, trimmed with paper, rags etc. Wore smock shirts, different colored stockings, face red and black etc. Soldier dressed like a soldier-Indian king, black with white smock and belt round him, wooden pistol and wooden sword, red cap.
James Madison Carpenter and the Mummers' Play
FOOL: (knocked at door) Good evening ladies and gentlemen
I'm making a very bold call,
Christmas time's the merry time,
I've come to see you all.
I hope you'll not be offended for what I've got to say,
For in a short time [?] a few more boys and girls
Will trip along this way.
Ho-cum pocum spankum Spain,
And in comes our Recruiting Sergeant on the same.
RECRUITING SERGEANT: (with cap to one side)
I am a Recruiting Sergeant
Whose [sic] arrived here just now
My orders is to list
All that follows horse cart or plough
Tinkers, tailors, coblers, nailors
All that comes to my advance.
FOOL: Your advance!
RECRUITING SERGEANT: Yes, my advance.
FOOL: What do you mean by your advance?
RECRUITING SERGEANT: I've come to see a fool dance.
FOOL:-
RECRUITING SERGEANT: If you start to sing or say
I'll very soon run away.
FOOL: (sings) Once I tried to stop a pig
And what a lark I had, sir
He gave a humph and away he went
Through me stunnin pair o legs sir.
MUSICAL JACK: In comes I, Old Musical Jack,
I'm bound to give you a tune
Before I go back.
INDIAN KING: Wahre [sic] up, me lads, let me come in,
For I'm the man called Indian King.
You've all been trying for me to slay,
But I'm alive this very day.
I fought the fiery Dragon,
I brought him to the slaughter
And by these means I gained King George's daughter.
SERGEANT: (stepping up)
Slash, slash, let no more be said,
Or I'll draw my sword and fetch off thy head.
INDIAN KING: How canst thou fetch off my head?
My head is made of iron, my body's made of steel.
My hands and feet are knuckle bones
I'll challenge thee to field.
(They have a scrimmage; Indian King falls)
FOOL: Five pounds for a doctor!
LADY: Ten pounds for a doctor!
SOLDIER: Fifteen to stop away!
DOCTOR: In comes I, the doctor.
FOOL: Where did you travel?
DOCTOR: England, Ireland, Scodand and Wales.
FOOL: What can you cure?
DOCTOR: I can cure almost everything,
The itch, the stitch, the lame, the blind,
Ipsy pipsy paulsey gout,
Pains within, an [sic] pains without,
I once cured a man what had been dead and in his grave seven year
And every time he moved his bagpipes played.
FOOL: The point is can you cure this dead man?
DOCTOR: (feels his pulse in his rump) Undoubtedly I can.
Take hold of my bottle while I feel his pulse.
FOOL: Is that where a man's pulse lies?
DOCTOR: Yes, that's the strongest part of a man's body.
He's swallowed a horse[?] cart and can't get shut of the wheels.
But this man's not dead, he's only in a trance.
Rise up, Jack, and let's have a dance.
(Have a jig, then sing):
SING IN UNISON:
Now me lads it's time for listing,
Time away will sweetly pass,
You shall have all kinds of liquor,
Likewise sleep with a bonny lass.
Ten bright guineas shall be your bounty
If along with me you'll go
You shall have all kinds of treasure
(Lady enters)
[LADY]: I am a lady bright and fair,
Me fortunes is me charms,
I was thrown away so scornfully
All from me lover's arms.
He promised for to marry me,
Which you will understand,
He listed for a soldier
And went to some foreign land.
SERGEANT: Madam, I've got gold and silver,
Madam, I've got house and land,
Madam, I've got worlds of treasure,
They are all at thy command/All will be at thy command.
LADY: What care I for thee gold or silver,
What care I for thee house and land,
What care I for thee worldly riches,
All I want is a nice young man.
FOOL: That's me, my dear!
LADY: Old man you are deceitful
As any of the rest.
But I shall have the young man
Which I do love the best.
BLATHER DICK: (had a bladder on a stick; dressed a bit like the clown)
Indeed mister Sergeant
As I suppose you are,
It'll take a bold militia man
To face the American war.
We'll boldly face our enemies
And do the best we can,
And if they don't prove civil
We'll slay them everyman.
If I can find a damsel
The comfort of me life.
I'll make her my wife.
HOBBY HORSE: (Horse's head man of wood, bridle, blanket over man; could work jaws)
In comes I, the four year old colt,
As fine a filly as ever was bought.
BELLMAN[?]: He can [?] walk, trot or gallop
He can go fourteen miles i' fifteen hours,
If you don't call that going, I'm-
HORSE: If you was as hungry
As my horse is dry,
You'd give me a piece of your best pork pie
If that's not a tale, you'll give me a pint of your best ale.
BELZEBUB: (Clothes stuffed with straw; blacked)
In comes I, Old Belzebub,
Over me shoulder I carry me club;
Under me arm a [?] frying pan,
Don't ye think I'm a jolly old man,
This morning before breakfast.
LAME JANE: (Man dressed like a woman, with long hood, sometimes called Beesom Betty)
In comes I, Old Lame Jane,
With a neck as long as a crane;
I once was a charming maid
Leaping over the meadow
But now I'm a down old widow.
With a wig behind and a wig before,
When these lads goes out,
I shall sweep your floor.
FOOL: (Catches Lady by arm, and says):
Ladies and gendemen,
I've come to invite you to me and me wife's weddin.
What you like best, you mun bring on wie you,
And what you don't like, you shall have when you get there.
Me and my wife's going to have a barley chaff dumplin buttered with wool
And those who can't nag [?] it, will have it to pull,
The leg of a louse, and a lop (flee) fried. Tail chine of a cocherell.
Ten gallons of buttermilk to rince all down, So hedge about me lads
While I beg all I can.
(Goes round with his box, tin box, collecting)
(beer, minch pies, and a bob or two)
(After they were about to go, all sang):
Good master and good mistress
As you sit by the fire,
Remember us poor ploughboys
That ploughs the muck and mire.
The muck it is so nasty
And the mire it is so strong,
Remember us poor ploughboys
As we plough the fields along.
Good master and good mistress
You see our clown is gone,
We make it our business
To follow him along.
We thank you for civility
For what you've given us here,
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.
(Handwritten piece at end):
Remembers Bold Tom usually had Belzebub
B.T.: In comes I, Bold Tom,
A brisk and nimble fellow
I should like to taste of your best ale
Which is so brown and mellow.
Believe me, it's no lie,
I shouldn't mind tasting
Your best pork pie.